Hope Deferred

Hope is essential to life. We need it to keep getting up in the morning. We need it to make it through another day at the office. We need it to live through family gatherings. We have to hold on to something that says,"There is something better on the way."

I struggle with hope, among other things. Sometime over the past year I lost it and I haven't been able to get it back. As I've said before, I know all the right answers and I know where my future lies. What I lack is that fire burning inside that tells me that there is greatness ahead. It's been spoken over me. Perhaps I haven't received it.

I do have some hope that things will turn out all right, but I lack the positive feeling that should accompany it. There are specific things that I hope for that I have learned to just not speak about. It's a hope that few around me really get. Speaking it also seems to make it less likely to come true.

So what little hope I still cling to I keep in my pocket. Like the Word says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick." One day it will come to pass and it will all be worth the waiting. Till then I will have a bit of a sick heart that lings for something it's never had the pleasure of knowing.

Mischief Managed

One thing about the beginning of the Holiday season that I never and always look forward to is the constant coming and going. There are trips out of town. Dogs to be watched. Shopping to be done. Parties to attend. Life suddenly gets very full.

I love the flurry of activity but it never ceases to overwhelm me. Parties get loud. I get tired of not sleeping in my own home. I remember why I don't have a pet of my own. I suddenly find myself standing ankle deep in clutter around the house and neck deep in mental clutter. "Cluttered space, cluttered mind. Open space, open heart."
The clutter makes me an unhappy person. I think that is the most pleasant way of putting it.

So, like I did this past weekend, I have to knuckle down and get to work on getting things back in order so I can make it through the final stretch. It's not easy. It's most often unpleasant. But in the end it's worth it to have some sanity still in tact for New Year's Day.

Pleasing to who?

I've only just begun to take a look at where my heart is at. I seem to have a problem with being genuine and being completely distracted.
I really want to give everything I am to Jesus; to love Hom, serve Him, be pleasing to Him. I want a heart that is full of worship and praise to Him, and Him alone.
But all too often I find myself chasing after less wild lovers. I seem to get caught up on the idea that following Christ and living a life abandoned to Him is somehow boring. The truth is that it scares me. (I "know" all the answers to that. You don't have to quote scripture at me. No amount of "knowing" makes it stick until He makes it Revelation.) Jesus is a wild lover and He can wreck a so-called life.
I want to be wrecked, i have been wrecked, but I still get distracted by the shiny new things around me. Perhaps I will learn more focus this go round.

What's New With Me

Since my last post before today was back in June I feel like I should update a few things.

1. I am now 29.  Yep, not quite 30.  For the most part I don't feel it, but then I remember that this was the year I thought I was going to die of gallstones and the year I had my first real surgery (unrelated to the gallstones). Oddly enough I don't have the knee pain that I used to.  I thought the aches and pains got worse not better with age?  This could be due to the fact that my sporadic exercise has become only slightly more frequent. 

2. My oldest bro and his family have now moved to Belgium.  They just moved at the end of September and they kind of hate it.  I think things started looking up when their personal belongings arrived.  Then they realized a lot of stuff was broken.  No news yet on the total amount of damages.  My fingers are crossed that no guitars or leg lamps were harmed.  I believe that someone might lose more than their job if that happened. We have already started planning Thanksgiving and it feels weird not including them.  I think we are all very thankful for Facebook and for Vonage.  I would be thankful for Skype if I ever got around to using it.

3. Relationship status...still single.  I have experienced my first "Well, some people are called to be single" moment.  This just so happened to be at a wedding shower for one of my girls that's in college.  I was horrified enough to tell one of my other single friends.  She shared it with the single girls she was vacationing with.  Unanimous decision: Don't say this to any woman ever!  No matter what age she may be!  There have been a couple attempts to get me set up with a nice young guy here and there.  This just usually ends up in nothing.  I'm not interested.  He's not interested.  One or both of us thinks the person that set us up is on crack.  I'm in no rush but it feels like it will be sooner rather than later. With who? I have no idea.  Your guess is as good as mine.

4. My "Kids" are growing up and leaving me.  They are in college, they have jobs, one of them has even gotten married.  The day one of them has a kid I may have to do a little cave dwelling to collect my thoughts and get a new grip on the world.  As it is I have a hard time remembering that I have a 13 year old nephew and a 12 year old niece.  When did that happen?  It doesn't help that said niece and nephew are at least as tall as I am now. 

5. I still don't know how to behave like a real grown-up.  I am becoming convinced with everyday that people who behave like "real" grown-ups don't really know how to live.  I may be 29 but I still love a Veggie Tales sing-along. 

Owning a Home Part 2...ish

Way back when I wrote the other post I had such high hopes of completing it the following week.  As with many things in my life, when I make plans of this magnitude they usually don't happen.

So allow me to finish up in as short a way as possible how I came to me a homeowner.

We already know that I went into this with some wise council.  That wasn't enough for me though.  The way I go about doing anything is first reading up on the process.  Like the good bookworm that I am I went to Books -A-Million and tracked down a book called "The Everything First Time Homebuyer's Guide."  It was just rewritten that year to include information on the current (at the time) housing market.  It took me only a week to read through the whole book.  It defined words I didn't know I would need to know.  It gave helpful hints on where to spend money and where to save money.  In short it became my second bible. 
Around the same time there was an issue of U.S News and World Report that came out also with handy tips for first time homebuyers.  Some people would see this as a coincidence.  I knew it was because of this group of crazy folks like myself that were going to take advantage of that lovely tax rebate for first time homebuyers. 

Armed with this new information I then set out to get approved for a mortgage.  This ended up being the most annoying process of it all besides the signing day.  This is not the quickest process in the world when you aren't going through some government program.  How much down will I be paying?  How much home am I approved for?  What is my credit score?  What the heck is PITI?  The mortgage lady thought is was funny when I just started to referring to it as the "pity" payments.  I got approved and at a decent rate, much to my own surprise but apparently not to anyone else's.

Next, time to pick what kind of house I'm looking for then commission a realtor.  The realtor was easy.  Rachel Erwin - ya know, Chris Erwin's wife, pastor of CotHMgm - just so happens that she and her mother ran a little real estate through Remax and she just so happened to be available.  I had wonderful timing too...Rachel was rather a few months along with her Liam at the time.  I made my lists of needs and my list of wants.  She responded with a list of homes.  I shared the list with my mother.  With our powers combined I narrowed it down to about 4 houses.  My mom was out of work at the time and took a field trip to each one to check it out.  She made her pick but decided not to tell me so as to not persuade me.

Something I learned about myself while looking at homes was that I can't stand the smell of old houses.  I love the look of them!  But that smell just sticks to your nasal cavity and won't go away.  You know that smell...mold, mildew, a little stain of people from ages past.  Oh, and I'm usually paranoid that the old house will infact be haunted.  I lucked out though.  The very first house I saw, also my mom's pick, ended up being the house I fell for.  3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, decent sized living room/kitchen/dinning room and built in '96 surrounded by homes built in varying decades from 1902 to current.  It had the added bonus of being just down the street from some good friends of mine.

That house has been blessed by many friends and my close family.  I've hosted dinners for my girls, Christmas for the family, and sometimes I'll even have a family of friends over for dinner and a movie.  I love living closer to my parents and all my friends.  When that lovely house has been broken into they were my first responders.  When I have been laid up at the house from surgery or illness they have been able to stop by and check on me.  I love my little blue house with it's ridiculously huge yard.  It's wonderful to know that I can get up in the middle of the night and pace the house in prayer without disturbing another human being.  I don't know what the future holds for me and that house, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can. 

You Know You're A Homeowner When...Part 1

...you see curtains and light bulbs as "investment pieces".

I have now been in my house for a little over a year.  I realized not long ago that i never shared the story of how I ever came to own my home.  It was possibly the most miraculous event of my life thus far...and I've seen my dad be cured of cancer.

It all started in January of 2010...It was time for making New Year's Resolutions and I took my time to really think about what I wanted.  I'm sure I came up with some other awesome ideas, but "buying my own home" was definitely at the top of the list.  Being the insanely logical person that I am I backtracked from the goal to where I was at that time.  I had no money in savings, kind of spending at random, and living fairly comfortably with a great friend for going on 4 years.  So...I needed a plan.

1.  Pay off any debt.
2. Save like crazy.
3. When I turn 30 I will be able to buy a house and put a nice downpayment on it.

I shared my plans with a few family members and some friends and the response in general was positive.  Then it got weird.  Suddenly it felt like there was an urgency to buy the house; that I should do it now instead of later.  One day I was at work and I talked about it with a co-worker.  He said I sounded like I already had my mind made up.  I still wanted to be sure...especially since I was basically starting at zero.   I sent a text message out to some friends and asked for them to pray with me "to have some clarity in a situation." I decided to not get specific.  Meanwhile I pulled out my Bible and I just opened to random scripture. 

Psalm 50: 10-11 "For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills.  I know every bird on the mountains, and all the animals of the field are mine."

Then a friend responded and got Matthew 6: 25-34.  "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today."

Now, to anyone else those might seem like they are saying "Don't add more to your plate!"  But those two scriptures said "I've got you on this, you're going to be ok."

And then another friend send me a message, it was a prayer for hindrance to be removed from my prayers being answered.  And then oddly she ended the message with "Yes."  What was that about?  I asked her and she said, "Well, I was praying and that was the answer I got...'Yes, Go for it, ok'.  I have no idea what that means but...yeah."  That pretty much sealed it.  I sent an email to my mom at work and told her of the slight change in plans.  She had talked to my dad about it and they agreed that now would actually be a good time to buy a house. 

With that, I started my journey to buying my first home.

Songs of Summer

Recently there was a post by Jon Acuff about creating a Summer Soundtrack for his family.  Honestly i didn't read the whole blog post (short attention span for reading lately), but I immediately knew what song fits my summer mood.  Upon further thought I have two songs for Summer by the same artist.  Kind of polar opposites to fit my sometimes bi-polar mood.

The first that came to mind: "Drumming Song" by Florence & the Machine
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There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That throws me to the ground
I swear that you should hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

I ran to a tower where the church bells chime
I hoped that they would clear my mind
They left a ringing, in my ear
But that drum's beating loud and clear

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I run to the river and dive straight in
I pray that the water will drown out the din
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole
Till there's nothing left inside my soul
As empty as that beating drum
But the sound has just begun

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

As you can see, it's a little on the down side.  Great song to listen to while driving around with the windows down on an extremely hot day though...

The second, and possibly more "summery" song is:  "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence & the Machine
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Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than
that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run--------------------------------------------------------------

The funny thing is that if you listen to this last song it sounds really chipper.  I guess these two songs kind of show the two faces of my soon to be summer.